Fear

I remember that I've once written 'brave' to describe myself on a job application form. I used to tell people that I'm a brave one when they asked me to talk about myself. However, subconscious of mine knows that, I'm a coward, and that's the reason I try very hard to be brave.

I don't know why and where this ability comes from, I realized that I can read minds. Maybe, I should say this way, I can be observant enough if I want to. It's not a good thing to me, it made me feel disappointed to humanity sometimes, when I found out people are telling lies and being fake. Eventually, I chose not to read them and tried to believe that everyone has their own strengths. I chose to believe that human beings are born to be kind as I'm fear to see their evil sides.

That's quite common to be fear as that's the weakness of humanity. I want to survive and live in this world as long as I can, so I need to beat the fear.

I've gone through a few times of accidents when I was a kid, I cried every time I got injured. My mom told me it won't stop bleeding no matter how long you cry. The solution is to do something that can heal the wounds. Hence, I just learned to enjoy the healing process and remember the lesson.

There's once I fell down when I went hiking, I thought I would die. But I didn't. I was afraid of height but I knew that I must overcome it, so I tried very hard to face it.

I had a very happy relationship in 2008, but it only lasts about 18months because of the distance. It was the toughest period in my life. I got depression and always wanted someone to accompany me, but I knew nobody would ever keep accompany me forever. I was afraid to be alone, and so I tried to complete everything alone. I knew that if I want to survive, I gotta be independent and take good care of myself even I am alone.

I guess everyone is afraid to be hurt, so do I. I rarely tell people about myself and I wouldn't show them how I feel as well. Just to prevent myself from being hurt. However, it didn't make any changes and somehow I found that being hurt helped me to grow. It sounds a little weird, I enjoyed being hurt sometimes as I know I'll grow and learn something new after that. Some of the bad experiences were killing me, but I just didn't want to be knocked down by that. The only thing I can do is to accept it and make myself to be stronger from the lessons.

Rainbow after the rain

Yea, I feel so grateful and thankful for the blessings from God and his kind forgiveness. 

The night I cried myself to sleep was so terrible. I was not just feel upset, but my heart felt painful as well. Perhaps, we have built a kinda strong friendship before these, I just felt so guilty and afraid to lose him. Fortunately, he is willing to forgive me. I don't know how to describe how it feels, but millions of thank you, to him, for his kindness and love.

As I have mentioned before, he's such a busy guy with tons of works everyday. No matter how busy he is, he always try to make time for me. Now, I know how to differentiate sincerity. Those who love you sincerely will make time for you, no matter how busy he/she is. He always place my safety on the top of priorities. I guess I can understand why girls are going after him, as he is really almost a perfect guy. 

Although he always scold me (politely, he gets worried to be true) that I trust people easily, and told me not to trust him completely as well. I don't know why, I know him not long indeed, but I just feel secure whenever he is around me. He's like a dad, a brother, a teacher, a best friend and a boyfriend as well. 

We spent half day together yesterday. Had lunch at Queensbay and met his sister and bro-in-law. I really like Jean's smile, so beautiful. I can't wait to see her baby. :) hehe. We just went for groceries after lunch, Now, I realized that shopping for groceries can be so happy one. It makes us know each other more actually. Followed him to his shop lot which is still under renovation, no matter where he went to, he just check on me every 5 minutes I guess. I haven't met anyone so caring before, I'll try my best to reduce his worry, as I really wish to see him live freely and happily everyday.

We spent time to watch a movie 'Dear John'. It supposed to be a romance movie but somehow we just laughed at it. Coincidentally, there were so many similarities on us and the story. He just sat beside me, and I felt really comfortable and secure. Felt like a princess chewing the digestive biscuits while  watching the movie. Hehe.

Left his place for dinner around 8pm at sushi king, he was not feeling well. That's the first time I realized that I would feel worried for someone after so long. I guess work and business stressed him out, so his blood pressure is going up and gastric keeps on attacking him. If time can be borrowed, I will just give all my free time to him, so that he can sleep well. Sigh.

This fella always look at me. I felt like pinching him already.

Dear John,

I know you will read this, but this is not everything. I wish, I can tell you more in person one day.

Don't laugh!! Don't smile!! Cause I can't see it now. >.<

With love,

Jessie

The Worst Day of the Year

This is the worst day of the year and I rarely get into this kind of mood.

It was basically my own fault that I forgot to tell John I was home. I was having a very bad migraine and immediately taken medicine after shower. I still keep replying him while I can and fell asleep after a while, until late night.

I saw his message and whatsapp, I knew he got worried and I just replied him that I was fine but just fell asleep. I went back to sleep as my head was still so painful. He replied ok, take care. Damn me. I knew he was not okay at all. Sigh.

We didn't talk much yesterday and seriously I felt so down the whole day. Bang a wall as I accidentally stepped on the accelerator. It was really a bad day. Sigh.

Woke up with tears while reading his text, saying that we are not on the same page and he was so worried about me but I couldn't understand about him when he couldn't contact me. I really feel so bad when I know he cares about me but I really not doing that purposely. I didn't mean to make him to get so worried. Probably, he feels insecure as he doesn't see me putting any effort in this, that I never called him and I never asked him out. It's just something that make me hesitate and dare not to move any step further.

I just don't want to make him feel too sad when he knows the truth.

I can't deny that he already occupied a space in my heart even I tried so hard to avoid, but I just think that I can't be so selfish and just hang out with him whenever I like, but hurt him at the end with the mistake I have done. If he is not a kind person, I wouldn't have to be so suffer of being hesitate.

I'm so sorry John. You probably won't be so confused and suffered if I could tell you earlier.



Love,
Jessie